Searching For Jenna novel Chapter 19

"Okay," Mark said. "Let's get the ball in the works if that's what you want to do."

"It is," Elliot said.

Later that evening, while Elliot was making dinner, Dana asked, "Are you sure about the trans thing? What if you get back with Cara and she doesn't want you to be a guy?"

Elliot stopped cutting vegetables and looked at Dana. "I spent a lot of time thinking about that last night, and honestly I don't know what I will do if that happens. It's funny that when I was little, I used to dream about being a boy. I never even looked at guys when I started having sexual feelings. It was always girls. It was more than wanting to connect with them at a girl on girl level. I wanted to protect them and provide for them. Although, I don't think Cara would go for that. She's very strong-willed and determined to make her way."

"I don't know much about being a transsexual, but I know it's hard. Probably harder than being gay," Dana said, picking up a cherry tomato and popping it into her mouth.

"Maybe," Elliot said. "But, I'm pretty certain about this. Interestingly, I think my forced separation from Cara has helped re-ignite these feelings in me. When I was with her, I'd never considered becoming a guy because I knew she loved me being a woman. At this point, my future is so uncertain that I need to find something that I can control and this is it." Elliot tested the boiling water before putting the pasta in it and then went back to cutting vegetables. "After I got my hair cut the other day, I'd already started feeling my masculinity increasing, but when you colored my hair and gelled it back, I saw the man who'd been hiding inside me looking back at me in the mirror. It was weird how euphoric I felt."

"Well, talking to a therapist will definitely be a good starting point, and you totally rocked the guy look today," Dana said.

"I did, didn't I? And I like thinking of myself as Elliot instead of Jenna. Jenna was a scared little girl who had no control over her life. I don't want to feel that way anymore." Elliot stopped cutting and looked at Dana. "I know this seems sudden, but it's not. It just really hit me last night that I could do this. There's no one to come out to, other than you and Mark. Maybe a few other agents. I don't have to try to convince my parents this is who I am, which would never happen. My father would kill me before he'd let me transition to a man. He might have been able to deal with me being a lesbian eventually, but he would never have allowed this." Elliot pointed at his body with the knife.

Dana pointed at the knife. "Be careful, please. I will get in big trouble if you stab yourself."

Elliot laughed. "Sorry, I was just getting carried away. You have no idea how exciting this is for me. I'm starting to feel free for the first time in my life."

"Well, I don't think you'll have any trouble passing for a man. You walked through an entire office of FBI agents, who are supposed to be trained to see every nuance, and no one gave you a sideways glance. And you fooled Mark, who had talked to you several times as Jenna." Dana smiled and nodded. "I totally think you can pull this off if it's what you really want."

"It is. The only way I'm going to know if this is really who I am is to live as Elliot," he said.

"Well, forgive me if I mess up and call you Jenna occasionally, but if Elliot is who you are, we will help you live as Elliot," Dana said.

It had been almost a year since Dana had seen Elliot in person. They talked on the phone and through emails, but she'd only seen pictures of his transformation. When he walked out to greet Mark and her in his white chef's outfit, chef hat and all, Dana was stunned by the handsome young man who appeared before her.

Elliot took off his hat and smiled in greeting. "Aunt Dana and Uncle Mark," he said as he came over. He hugged Dana and kissed her cheek, then shook Mark's hand and gave him a half hug. "What are you guys doing here?"

"We heard this restaurant had a great legumier on staff, so we had to check it out," Dana said with a broad smile, still in shock at how different Elliot looked. His dark brown hair was in a short choppy style. He had his beard trimmed to a short stubble that gave him a rakishly handsome look.

"Have you got a few minutes to talk?" Mark asked.

"Sure," Elliot said and motioned them toward an empty table at the far end of the restaurant. It was in between the lunch and dinner rushes so the restaurant wasn't super busy. In a few hours, there would be no empty tables, and a line would have formed outside of people waiting to get in.

Dana and Mark sat on one side of the table, and Elliot sat facing them. "So what's up?" Elliot asked knowing that Dana and Mark would only be here if something huge had happened. Usually, all communication came through his liaison in the U. S. Marshal's office.