Konstantin: The Heartless Beta novel Chapter 47

Lily

It’s been six months… six hard months of motherhood, pack problems, work and continuous nightmares. I wake up every night screaming; we’ve had to move the twins out of our room because of it.

I don’t know… I was fine, well, at least I thought I was. I can’t explain the anxiety that coils in my stomach on a daily basis, how my skin feels dirty even as I stand underneath a scalding shower and how my heartbeat never seems to slow down.

Konstantin has been understanding, but I know he is growing tired of this. It’s been nearly a year since he claimed me, and we haven’t been intimate since. Not that we haven’t gotten close… I just freeze up when he gets on top of me.

I know he understands… but his beast doesn’t.

How do I move on from being abused? It’s not like I can just walk into a therapist’s office and tell them I was being held as a sex slave to a demon who wanted to use my womb to birth his master. But I can’t exactly talk to Konstantin about this either. Caterina has enough to deal with as it is.

So it’s just me on my own.

I walk downstairs and see the two childminders getting ready for the evening. I've barely touched the ground with Caterina back on Luna duties and me overseeing things at both Silver and Wolfsbane. We had to resume our duties at the various clubs on Billionaire’s Row again and to be honest, it felt peaceful only thinking about drunk patrons and clients of high status.

Dimitri hasn’t been allowed back onto the Estate or the pack, so he’s no longer in charge of Dreamcatcher; Caterina is. Alpha Kai has allowed Nikolai to be in charge of Crimson; before he was training, but our Alpha has said he is ready to take over. Konstantin still has Fang and runs it with Zephyr, whereas Alpha Kai now oversees the biggest earner, The Slip.

“Evelina, I’m heading out. Kaia barely slept last night and has been niggly all day, so she will be a bit moody,” I tell the childminder, and she smiles at me.

“I’ll be sure to soothe her, Mrs Volkova,” she says.

It still feels odd to be called that. I still can’t believe that I am married and mated to Konstantin Volkov after all this time. Sometimes I just sit back and look at everything, knowing that I am blessed beyond comprehension.

If only my mental state weren’t so fucked up, things would be perfect.

After getting the staff ready for the night at both clubs, I finish up the admin, and by 9 PM, I am done. This is where things get a bit difficult for me because at home I am kept busy all day with the twins, early in the evening I have to work at the clubs and then after that…silence.

I start replaying everything over in my head: hanging on those silver chains, trussed up on a cross, being forced into submission by scent when I would gladly have died…. I hate the part of me that was made to enjoy it, and the guilt eats me alive every day.

I wonder what Konstantin would think of me if I told him Stefan made me forget about him and forced me to enjoy what was happening. Would he still love me, or would the Mate Bond make him forgive me? I don’t know…, and I don’t want to know.

Then the voices tell me I’m not good enough to be a Volkova, that I am ruined goods and do not deserve to be at Konstantin’s side or have the twins. It gets louder by the day, and to be honest, I’m not sure how long I can ignore it.

Because truth be told, I do feel like ruined goods, like I am not good enough.

Sighing, I stand up and head towards my entertainment section and pour myself a glass of vodka. On nights like these, I welcome the alcohol’s bitter tang and the burning sensation as it goes down my throat.

“Make that two,” I hear from the office door and smile when I look up. Konstantin walks over to me and wraps his arms around my waist.

“Hey, beautiful,” he says, kissing the side of my head.

“Hey,” I answer and hand him a glass. “Things okay at Fang?”

He shrugs and walks over to my desk, sitting on the edge. “As always. Zephyr is actually quite reliable and makes me forget about my previous second in command,” he teases and gives me a wink.

“I can’t keep letting you wait for me like this. You deserve a mate who isn’t scared to let you touch her, who doesn’t dissolve into a puddle of anxiety whenever you touch her neck and who will let you claim her every night.” I say, giving him a sad smile, but he shakes his head.

“You’re all I need, Lily, you’re everything I need-”

“No!” I say and push him away hard. “I’m not! I’m half the woman I used to be, and I don’t think anything can ever fix me! I’m ruined goods, Konstantin, a defiled woman who shouldn’t be allowed to be at your side or the twins’!”

When I say this, his silver eyes flash with anger, and he walks towards me again.

“Don’t you ever fucking say that about yourself again,” he growls, cupping my face in his calloused palms. “You’re mine, and you’re perfect. I told you I’d wait for you and help you through this no matter how long it took. I love you so fucking much, and nothing that asshole did to you will make me see you any different, Lily. He forced you into submission-”

“And I liked it! I liked when he abused and used me! The sick, perverted demonic side of me wanted it, craved it! Don’t you understand?! I shouldn’t be here; I’m no good!” I exclaim, my heart-shattering at the look of horror in his eyes when he takes a step back.

But he needs to know; he needs to understand that I am not the perfect mate he’s made me out to be, and I am tired of pretending.

“I’m only good to be a sex slave and nothing more; I’m not even worthy of being called a mother,” I say sadly, scoffing at the thought of the twins thinking the same thing as their father.

He looks at me as if his world is tumbling down, and my heart aches, but I have already decided what I need to do. My family will be better off without me as a blight on their existence, as a stain on this pack.

I’m no good, not at all. But before Konstantin can come to his senses, I run out of the club without so much as a backward glance.