Baby I'm A Sinner novel Chapter 71

"Ugh, stop with that shit. That's a mental illness. I'm on a diet."

He runs a hand through his hair, frustrated.

"You're going to die. And I don't want you to die. I already told you this."

"I'm not going to die if I lose a few pounds."

He shuts up and takes his phone, typing something on it.

"What?" I ask when I see his expression harden as he reads whatever is written on the screen.

"The physical effects of starvation are often irreversible, and reflect the extremely high rate of deaths associated with anorexia nervosa." He starts, then looks at me sternly so I resume eating my apple. "The effects of anorexia can be infertility, shutdown of major body systems, brain damage-" his voice shakes a bit "heart attacks, and death. Goddamn it Dani!"

I look at him, startled. "I've had this since I started high school, and I'm not dead yet."

He rubs his forehead with his palm as he thinks. "Please just-let me help you okay? I just want to help. I don't care if you hate me."

"I don't hate you for wanting to help I just-I don't think it'd work. I don't want help."

"There's a difference between want and need Dani."

"Noah." I sigh, finishing the last bits of my apple.

He hands me the bar without saying anything and I take it, because truth be told, I am indeed a bit hungry. I check the calorie count on the back before though. 80 kcal. Ugh.

"Stop looking at the calorie count."

"You have it so easy you know?" I say as I unwrap the bar. "Don't you think I wish I could be like you? To have a fast metabolism and to be able to eat anything I want without worrying, thinking about the calories and feel the need to throw up everything that goes into my mouth? I do want that Noah, but I can't. I just can't. I've tried. But people don't like me when I'm overweight."

"You're not-who gives a fucking shit about your weight? Are you seriously putting your appearance before your mental and body health, just to please other people?"

I look down at the bar. "No. I do it to feel good about myself. And if people like me, then I feel good."

Noah closes his eyes for a moment. "Who do you want to like you? Who are you trying to impress?"

"Everyone."

"Everyone can't be pleased."

I roll my eyes as I take a bite. "You know, you go on and on about body positivity but you've never looked my way these past four years until I've started to actually lose weight."

"What?" he asks, shocked. "I never even knew who you were because I was one year above! And you were silent and I just-look. No one's opinion should matter, except yours."

"Easy for you to say. Everyone likes you, so you have a perfect life."

"My life is far from perfect."

I take another bite, and the bar is already gone. I swallow it properly before speaking.

"Come on Noah. You have everything. Money, loads of friends, good looks, amazing parents. Everyone likes you."

"Okay, first of all. Money doesn't buy happiness okay? That's bullshit. Ninety percent of the people I'm associated with don't even care about me as a person, and my good looks are irrelevant to me."

He stops, and I know he's debating whether he should continue speaking or not. I turn the light off so he doesn't feel exposed. It's always easier to tell the truth in the dark.

"And my parents. They're far from amazing. They fight all the fucking time, everywhere. They're going to get divorced when I graduate."

"How do you know?"

"Because I saw the divorce papers in my dad's office. They weren't signed but they're going to."

Noah makes a short pause.

"And they're never there." He says, looking at his hands resting on his thighs.

"What do you mean?"

"They're always busy. Barely ever home. They always say they'll come to watch me play, but you know how matches they've attended for the past five years since I joined the team?"

I shake my head.

"Zero."

"Is that why you're always looking for someone?"

He nods. "I always know they're not going to show up, but I still look because maybe, just maybe, they came."

My heart and head hurts.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I don't need your pity. I just wanted to prove to you that my life isn't as perfect as you think. And not everyone likes me."

"Not saying it back."

"It's fine. I just wanted you to know that."

He presses a kiss to the top of my head.

I take back everything I said about the g-spot being the best thing I've ever felt in my life.

Because this right here; him holding me as we fall asleep, definitely tops everything.

***

Aaron wakes us both a few hours later, even though it's still dark.

"Mmwhat?" Noah mumbles, rubbing his eyes but doesn't open them.

"You leave for the airport in two hours from the school parking lot, and I think Dani needs to go home."

"Shit, yeah." I say and untangle myself from Noah so I can stand up from the bed. "Sorry for...uh, staying here."

"It's fine." Aaron smiles, giving me a onceover. "Layla is already up so you can ring the doorbell when you get to her house."

"Do you want me to come with you in the taxi?" Noah asks from the bed, even though it's obvious that he would prefer it if he didn't have to move.

"No, it's fine."

"Take some money from my wallet."

"Noah-"

"Do it." he says, and then turns on his side.

I sigh and go over to his wallet so I can pull out a ten euro bill.

"I'll call you a taxi." Aaron tells me as I gather my things from the floor and slip into my heels. I must look like a wreck; with last night's makeup, a white shirt that's more like a dress, and high heels.

I say goodbye to Noah and he responds with a weak wave that makes me wonder if this was just a one-night stand. Probably.

As I sit in the taxi on my way to Layla's, I tell myself to not get affected if nothing changes between us because after all; it's Noah. And I don't want to be annoying and clingy.

When I get to the house, I pack my stuff and try to avoid their questions about what happened by responding with a simple 'nothing important'. Of course I'd tell Emma and Jake if they asked, and maybe Lucas. But that's it. It's not something I like to talk freely about since I'll look like a big loser, probably.